what if

this is what is on my heart this morning.

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moses

i love the story of moses.

his journey fascinates me. i’ve been reading through it this summer and it has sent me into major meditation.

i’m going to begin telling the story of moses on my blog.

first off: there are two major themes in the bible that weave their way in out of scripture.

1. our covenant relationship with God. (our covenant relationship gives us our sense of identity.)

2. our responsibility. our response to what the Lord is doing in our lives. (this is how we live out the Kingdom of God here)

and what i love about the story of moses is that it reminds me of what God is doing in my life, and the lives of those around me right now. he’s awakening us to the battle that is around us. i believe that we are all wired for battle. for adventure. for a story. that in our identity with the father, we have what it takes to be warriors for a movement that could change the world.

as i said before in a previous post, i’ve been journeying with jesus for a while now. learning who he is and who i am IN HIM. but now i’m dreaming about what it looks like to engage in this battle we are in.

thus enters the ideas of covenant and kingdom.

 we find ordinary people that God engaged with. every one of them wrestled with their identity. and then God began giving them missions to carry out. and their success in responding with obedience hinged on their sense of identity.

abraham.

joseph.

moses.

esther.

ruth.

gideon.

just to name a few. here is what keeps happening. God calls us. and it doesn’t take long to realize this. some of us recognize our calling and see that we are gifted to some degree (which is true) but sometimes we develop a sense of arrogance. maybe child-like narcisicism that suggests to ourselves that we are  more gifted than someone else. that others need us. (gag) but how true is this sometimes? i do believe people are gifted. i believe we all have gifts. i just do not believe that anyone is better or more qualified to carry out what God has called us to do than anyone else. we all have different callings on our lives. and we are all equally capable of doing what God has created us to do. whatever that looks like.  but what causes people to fail, is when we think we have what it takes in and of ourselves. and we move forward in obedience with this perspective. we think we “got” it. but it will never work like that. every situation fails in biblical history when someone moves forward with this perspective. its as if God isn’t letting us. like he’s trying to teach us something.

arrogance was the problem with joseph. he journeyed for a long time in slavery until he had the perspective that he couldn’t accomplish anything of himself. but that God could do something big through him.

some of us stall in insecurity, thinking we don’t have what it takes. and that God could never use us. this insecurity and frailty is just as toxic as the first. such was the case with moses.

and so into this story, i begin. i will continue to tell the story of moses throughout the next several posts.

 but first, i must post this little video of my daughter telling her version of the story.

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challenge

Jesus is chasing me. i want to be clear that i don’t presume that its just me He’s chasing. i live in a paradigm where i believe He’s chasing all of us.

for the last 13 years of my life i have been obsessed with my relationship with Jesus. what i can get from Him, how i feel when i’m with Him, the peace He brings into my life, the healing and transformation He seems to continue in my life, my marriage, and in my family, the fascinating stories in scripture and their hidden meanings, the dream of heaven and all that will be…

but Jesus is teaching me something else right now.

as i hold the love that has grown in my heart for Jesus and the affection that i have for Him, God is teaching me something else right now that is so crucial.

my response to him.

Jesus said,

“go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that i commanded you; and know, i am with you always, even to the end of the age.”

i guess people go about that command differently.

i’m on a quest to figure out how Jesus actually did that.

He didn’t make signs and picket funerals writing hateful things on banners about people that were created in His image

He never cursed others.

He didn’t hide in a bubble and disconnect himself from a hurting world.

He didn’t run his mouth about all the things that he thought were wrong while not doing anything about it.

He decided to spread his message relationally. He invested in a few.

don’t get me wrong. we know there were times when Jesus spoke to the multitudes. but the majority of his time he spent relationally. in homes with people and with his disciples.

He chose a few men to pour his message into while investing in them relationally.

 He invited them into his life.

He didn’t force. He didn’t manipulate. He just invited.

ahhhh. that’s how he did it. brilliant, don’t you think?

He does that today. He invites us into life with him.

we don’t have to accept.

so as i look at the life of Jesus and the way he poured himself into people, i look at the way He chose the people He invested in.

 He had a simple, but intense strategy. Jesus didn’t just give out invitations only. he gave out challenges. if people responded to the challenges, He would invite them deeper into his life. a strategy of discipleship that has worked beautifully.

He still does this with us.

i see the times in my life when i missed out on what God was doing simply because i wasn’t responding to the challenges. our journey with Jesus is made up of a many invitations as well as many challenges. those who know Jesus and walk with him, have experienced the challenges. sometimes, the challenges are quite simple. sometimes, they are stretching and uncomfortable. sometimes, they are hard and painful. times when the battle is intensified and you want to give up. but these challenges are necessary. we won’t progress. we won’t mature. we won’t bear fruit. we will not see transformation in our lives, or the lives of others for that matter… if we fail to respond to the challenges. its the way Jesus does it. its the way he’s always done it.

he invested in a few relationally, being wise with His relational capital, being strategic to invest in those who received his message. and He taught His disciples to do the same.

the people who responded to both of Jesus’ invitations and challenges, Jesus discipled

and those he discipled, discipled others

who discipled others,

who discipled others,

until the good news that Jesus has come to fulfill His joy in our lives and make our live’s new reached those who hold it dearly today.

pretty incredible, don’t you think?

***

know who you are

you know how lots and lots and lots

of things happen in our lives? every day, every week, over seasons, and years? of course the big stuff we notice, but then there are little details that often go unnoticed.

we have hopes, and dreams, and the plans we make to move forward in what we believe is what we want.

and sometimes it feels as though our hopes and dreams or even our plans are not going to work.

that maybe they have gone unrecognized. or maybe that we go unrecognized.

but what if all the things that happens to us, every single day, are perfect building blocks on which God is using to fulfill all that we have hoped, planned, and desired? even the small details that go unnoticed?

what if we don’t even know our deepest desires yet?

i have a few hopes and dreams.

i want the world to know that Jesus is alive and real.

i also want emri to know Jesus.

i want her to know that he is alive and real.

that there may be very difficult seasons in her life ahead, but that Jesus is tangible even then.

and that Jesus came to restore her life.

that she doesn’t have to be afraid.

and that because of the fantastic news that Jesus died on the cross to exchange our life for his… she has what it takes.

that she doesn’t have to live in insecurity or take on our culture’s view of what a woman should be.

we can’t tell her who she is, only God can.

but we can create the space for Him to.

we can do our part.

and the big question is, what does that look like for us as parents? what is our part?

i encountered God for the first time when i was 17. and i was so immature and new in all of it that

i zealously plowed through people with my ideas. and good grief. things were so black and white to me. God was so gracious with me. and the more

i pressed into the life of Jesus, and the way he lived, and the things he taught… it  humbled me.

sometimes i am able to position myself before God in a way that allows me to actually hear him and see him.

the view is breathtaking. and humbling all at the same time.

 the kind of humility i experience before God is safe. its just safe. and its spacious and free. and i can finally breath.

because for once i am no longer trying to be someone or prove myself. i breathe in and out. and i’m reminded that i’m loved just as i am.  i don’t have to become anything or do anything so great to know that either. and the moments that i have felt the closest to the Lord and the most intimate with him have been the times when i have felt lost in my brokenness. places in my life where i couldn’t seem to get anything right. and from my small experience in knowing Jesus, i just believe that he has a “thing” for those who are hurting and those who seem to flounder. he is drawn to them. i think that is why he is so drawn to me. maybe that’s why i can’t get away from him. he’s on to me. and he wont’ let me go.

and somehow when i first started to believe in God and the whole Jesus thing… i thought i was pretty special. i felt super “called”. and set a part. and my whole mindset was pretty selfish. its kind of embarrassing to admit, but its really true. and i think that’s how a lot of christians or catholics…or any other jesus believing people feel at first.

and if we keep going with this whole God thing….we either develop as we are humbled through the realization that you are no more “called” or “chosen” than the annoying homeless guy at the plaza sitting on an upside-down bucket asking for a couple bucks for a burger. (is he even homeless?) and that God wants to heal him just as he longs to heal you. you are no more special than the rest. and they are no more special than you.

i think its easy in our american culture to want to feel extra “special”. its like we want to work hard to be our “own person”. we give people in hollywood more credit than what is appropriate. or maybe even people we see on facebook. and we also judge ourselves for not being more unique or gifted or whatever.

and its all wrong.

we are all loved and adored. and we are all equally called and chosen.

sometimes we don’t get to that realization and we flounder in legalism and judgement. pointing our fingers at people who don’t believe like we do. having a whole lot to say about a whole lot of stuff, pushing people farther and father away from the Jesus we claim we believe in.

while in all actuality, if that is the state of our hearts, we are far away from his heart too.

i guess what i’m getting at is that we don’t have to be anybody other than who we are right now to experience the fulfilling of our hopes and desires.

not that i believe that things just get placed on our laps with no effort.  maybe sometimes.

i believe in effort. heck i believe our lives are battles. and that it may cost us everything.

i think its important we know that we are already everything we need to be.

so my challenge is this. in the midst of all of  your plans, your hopes, and your dreams… take a deep breath. create some space in your life and ask God to tell you who you are.

ask Him to speak your identity to you.

***

john 17

this is an intense chapter. i’m not really sure where to begin. i don’t even know if i should attach my process to these powerful verses.

i will also say the past couple days have been a little sad for ben and i. we had an appointment with our reproductive specialist and found out that my body has stopped responding to the medicine that i’ve been taking. it kind of felt like we had taken 5 steps back after trying to get pregnant for the last year. so we’ll keep moving forward in our plans. we’ll change up the medicine. and know that we have every reason to trust that God is way bigger than the complications in my body. and that he holds all things together. whatever the case. whatever happens. we can hope in God who desires to fulfill his joy in our lives.

so john 17.

this is Jesus’ prayer to God right before he died. whether or not you believe jesus was actually God, this prayer is still really intense. this is his documented prayer. so if Jesus was just a “good guy”…i’m still blown away by this prayer.

but i believe that Jesus was God. so this prayer deeply moves me. he’s praying for his disciples. and not just for his disciples, but for those who will believe in him through the word of his disciples. wow. thats me. that’s a lot of people. its pretty ridiculous that through the word of his disciples, the message has spread rapidly. think about it. all because of a few disciples…i have the privilege of hearing jesus’ prayer for me. is that not crazy?

john 17:3

…and this is life eternal, that they would know God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

(notice that life eternal isn’t doing great things… notice that life eternal is knowing God?)

17:11

i am no longer in the world, but they are in the world, and i’m coming to you.

(Jesus’ prayer for his disciples was that they would follow in his footsteps. that they would do what they saw him doing. so i look at jesus life like that. and so i can’t help but feel the pull to know where i’m going, like jesus did. he knew where he was going. this was not his home, the Father was his home and he was going to him.)

17:13

but now i am coming to you and these things i speak in the world. that they may have my joy fulfilled in themselves

(he died so we could have his joy.)

17:15

i do not ask that you would remove them from the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. 

(a reminder that darkness is real. and we have to resist it.)

17:17

sanctify them in truth. your word is truth.

(a call to be saturated in the truth of his words)

17:18

as you sent me into the world, so i have sent them into the world

(our call to live like he did)

17:18

and for their sake i consecrate myself, that they also might be sanctified in truth

17:23

i in them, and you in me, that they may become perfectly one. that the world would know that you have sent me, and love them even as you have loved me.

(the more we know God, the more intimate we become with him, the more we will know the love God has for us. when we know we’re loved, it changes us. when we know how much we are loved, it gives us the capacity to love others. thats how the world will know that this thing is for real.)

(but the thing that sticks out to me the most in here is that God loves us just like he loved Jesus. the same kind of love.)

17:25

oh righteous Father, even though the world does not know you, i know you, and these know that you have sent me.  i made known to them your name, and i will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and i in them.

(i want the world to know this love. the love that i have in God, i want the world to have. i don’t understand people who claim to be “christians” and yet proclaim a “christian” message in any method other than love. i don’t understand all the judgment christians have. maybe thats why its so hard for people to believe that God is real. maybe its because few christians really know God, but talk like they do.)

another day, reading just a chapter, has the power to change my heart… and has caused me to love God and the world around me a little bit more.

for friday:

read isaiah 55

***

tangled

being the mother of a little girl has given me an absurd amount of time sitting before a t.v. watching princess movies. i’m not going to pretend for one second that it bothers me. if there are rules about children watching disney movies before a certain age….i have failed miserably. we watch disney movies all the time. old ones. new ones. and tangled.

i love tangled.

i have to tell you, oddly enough, the story reminds me of the gospel. i’ll tell you why.

repunzle is a princess, but she doesn’t know it. she was taken from the king and queen when she was an infant. her “mother”  who is really an old hag, has kidnapped her. she’s never ventured outside the tower, but she dreams of it. every night on her birthday, she watches these “floating lights” in awe and wonder. what she doesn’t know…every year on her birthday, everyone in the kingdom lights a lantern and sends it up into the sky in hopes that it may beckon repunzle, wherever she is, to come home. these lights were for her. and she never knew it.

maybe i’m crazy, but i can’t help but see how this pictures God’s call to us.

we are royalty. we belong to a kingdom. some of us don’t know it yet. we live in what we think is freedom, but if we were to be honest, we might confess that something feels missing. we experience things that invoke us to consider that there might be something outside the realm we are so familiar with. and every once in a while, just like the lanterns, something resonates inside of us and we know we were created for something more. i feel that way about sunsets and sunrises. i feel that way about mountains. i feel that way when i look at emri. i feel that way about a myriad of things. i feel that when i see someone helping a stranger. things that defy the claim that the world in which we live in is purely coincidence.  there are signs. undeniable lights that flicker in our lives that tell us we were made for something more.

these floating lights arise from a distant kingdom…. they remind us that this isn’t it for us. the story isn’t over.

i identify with repunzle and her fascination with the lights.

i have a feeling that this post might be considered super lame… especially when i decide to post a clip from the movie. but i can’t resist.

quick disclaimer:

i’m not suggesting that the powerful, life changing story of the gospel and the kingdom of God can be reduced to a disney cartoon.

what i am suggesting, is that the gospel story is already written in us. and it spills out. in our lives, in the stories we write, in the movies we make, in the art we create. we tell the story of the gospel effortlessly at times. its written in us. and it makes its way out, even in disney, princess movies. ; )

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cartoon jesus

i’m sitting here on this beautiful monday morning, snuggled up with my three year old -on our compfy couch under a blanket. we both have our robes on. we’ve been holding hands. i think its incredibly important to reposition your heart and mind before God…specifically in the mornings. for the last year, emri has been watching these sweet, cartoon stories about the life of Jesus. its our way of teaching her to be with God before we start our day. the reality of Jesus has come alive to my daughter. and i think these videos have played a little part. so while emri watches these videos, i get to read my bible. i get distracted with the videos every once in a while. like this morning, she was watching one on the miracles of Jesus. i found myself getting lost in this story. a story that is told in animation, somehow has the power to move me. in the story, two parents take their son, who has cerebral palsy, on a journey to find Jesus and when they do, they lay their son before him. Jesus looks into his eyes with so much love and care. He puts his hands on the boy’s shoulder and says,

“your parents are filled with faith. and you are filled with longing.”

immediately, the boy’s health is restored entirely.

and this little animation has moved me to tears.

i think its because these stories are so very real to me. and i’ve experienced them over and over again. when hurting, broken people find jesus (broken people like me) -it’s amazing to see the way Jesus responds with healing. i continue to see the redemptive work of God all over my life.

God doesn’t always respond in my time in the exact way that i maybe expect. but he does respond. always. and there is not one thing in our lives that is beyond God’s healing and restoration. He lives to redeem every part of our lives. every part that hurts or doesn’t work right.

every second that passes, is one second closer to seeing Jesus. and one second closer to being made whole. i may have strengths, i may have a few things going for me. but do not be fooled. i’m desperately in need of someone to rescue me.

i’ll share with you something about me that is broken.

i have found the most incredible treasure in knowing Jesus. in knowing that Jesus died so that I could be restored and be healed. and not just that i would be restored and healed, but that everyone around me could experience that too. and i have no idea how to share that.

i don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. i don’t want things to get awkward. i don’t want to force any story that i believe on anyone else. yet, i believe, with all of my being, that this story of redemption is for everyone. and i have no idea how to make it known.  so in some ways i just feel stuck. like i feel like i was made to tell this story, but how? is there anyway to do that in a way that is normal? in a way that is down to earth? i’m laughing because i feel like there is just no way to do that in a normal, down to earth kind of way.

ben and i feel like we are kind of at a tipping point. like we are so close to having breakthrough with this part of our brokeness. and if we would stop getting sick long enough to have consistent rest and clarity of mind, then maybe we’ll experience this breakthrough sooner than we think.

we have been contemplating moving to kansas city, kansas. in an area where there just seems to be a lot of need. when you look back at what Jesus taught over the course of his life, he often communicated that its easier for the poor to see the gospel than the rich. i think that’s true. don’t you? when things are going great, and you have everything you “need”, who needs a God you can’t see?

sometimes difficulty in our lives is a blessing. because we finally have a chance to be awakened to our need. we’re reminded that we need God. maybe that’s why Ephesians 3:13 says.

“i ask you not to lose heart at tribulations on your behalf, for they are your glory“

so we’ve been processing what it would look like to live there. to start community gardens. to hold jobs there. to invite people over.  to contribute to the economy. to renovate a house. to invite our friends to come with us. what if a whole family of friends moved into the area and it changed a community forever? i’m kind of a dreamer. but wouldn’t that be a amazing?

in other exciting news, emri is walking around in a little t shirt and panties as i type. she has the sweetest wedgie you could ever imagine.

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