permission to rest

so not only am i a certified barista at starbucks….

but i am a teacher.

yep.

as of january 2011 i became a readers theater teacher.

do you even know what that is?

i didn’t.

and now let me tell you, i do.

and i really enjoy it. truly.

with the exception of a little something called

performance day.

its a guaranteed sweaty upper lip day.

its when all of my classes, kindergarten through middle school, perform in front of  all their parents and grandparents.

while i run around like a sweaty nervous woman trying to organize props, scripts, and costumes.

and if you know me at all…you can grin at the thought of me doing all that.

so needless to continue explaining…it’s a ridiculous day.

well that day is in three days.

oh dear. here we go again.

this wednesday, if you think of me, rest assured that i’m going to be in a complete frenzy until 3:00 pm.

then the school year will round to a close and my burden will  be lifted a great deal.

and summer is HERE!!!

the last three months for ben and i have been extremely busy. and we are anticipating the rest that is coming.

we have learned a lot about rest the last couple years and so we have entered this season circumspectly and have tried to create as many pockets of rest as possible.

we have said no a lot.

we bought a swing for our backyard.

i can’t tell you how restful it is in this beautiful weather to take my family outside and gently swing while drinking a glass of wine.

everyone should have a swing.

we have spent time together.

we have ran together.

i haven’t cooked as much. we have had a few chik fila dinners and cold cereal nights.

we have gone to bed early together.

we have woken up early together too

we have paced ourselves.

 i think its because we are more familiar with what our capacity is.

and we know what replenishes us  more than before.

we know how to rest a little bit better. and together.

in a season where things have been difficult for us, ben and i have been able to look at each other and say,

“at the very least, we have taken care of our family.”

we know that our decision to fight for our family, to follow Jesus, and to grow these crazy things called missional communities, is not a sprint.

its a marathon.

its a long obedience in the right direction.

so we don’t want to burn out. we pace ourselves.

we feel like God has been telling us to grow roots.

the week that we are in currently has been super busy.

so we asked ourselves,

“what would be particularly life-giving and fun to do, to get us through these next two weeks?”

ben was under the impression that an expensive bottle of whiskey would be his indulgence. a cocktail in the evening.

i was under the impression that a pedicure with emri would be fun.

so we did.

whisky and pedicures for the myers.

i think it helped

here is em right before we went to get our pedicures.

you know, i don’t tell her to pose. that’s all emri.

here is our finished product.

our girlie toes.

ahhh. permission to rest.

***

emri and justin bieber

i’m going to try to get caught up on a few videos and posts.

emri turned 4 FOUR months ago! has time really flown by that fast?

i took a little video of her on her birthday. just a little interview.

for the longest time she claimed that she was going to marry jesus.

her cousin (boy cousins) would taunt her telling her that she wasn’t.

and she would either cry or cross her arms and give the dirtiest look imaginable. and if you know emri, she’s got some good dirty looks.

i guess emri changed her mind about marrying jesus.

now its justin bieber. lindsey, am i spelling his name right?

oh and by the by… this is emri’s birthday video. after the interview is a slideshow and then a katy perry song. if i had energy and time i would re-make the video and delete the slideshow and extras. but i’m too tired. and besides, i know emri’s grammy and papa will probably want to see the whole thing

***

save the drama for your mama

the title of this post is a joke.

i was just re-reading my last post. and i wrinkled my nose as i read through some of it.

did i really share all that? embarrassing.

i’m sure you are probably like,

“uhm… are you aware of all that you write and post? because its pretty much all like that.”

to which i might respond

“good point.”

 i often feel compelled, for whatever reason, to share quite a bit of personal information.

i also try no to think about it too much.

just press publish.

all it takes is a few brave seconds to click publish. and then its there.

for anyone to read.

i want to take a second and say thank you for all the little messages and responses i get sometimes. not that there are many. but there are more than i would ever expect and they remind me to keep telling my story. even if my story is lame. or seems over-dramatic. or too spiritual.

the things is, i don’t feel like its just my story. i feel like it our story. different chapters. different seasons. different characters.

but the underlining themes in our stories are the same.

when i first started reading my bible, i was astounded to read things about Jesus that i just never knew.

like he actually wanted me to be real.

even if real meant ugly.

because that particular kind of ugly-real is just really beautiful to him. and He’s always been a very safe place for me get real.

he’s my hesed. my safe house. i have a covenant relationship with him. i have his everlasting love. its mine. and i have his favor surrounding me. no matter what.

and so to pour out my heart to him is safe.

and it doesn’t matter what kind of pain i’m experiencing. even if it doesn’t necessarily makes sense to some people. or even myself. he get us. he gets you. when no one else does.

right after i re-read my last blog post and said to myself

did i really share all that? embarrassing.

and then I naturally started second guessing myself…

however,

i started immediately reading in psalms and here is what i read,

psalms 39

i was mute and silent

i held my peace to no avail, and my distress grew worse.

my paraphrase: { permission to grieve. if you pretend you aren’t feeling pain, it will get worse}

my heart became hot within me. as i mused, the fire burned; then i spoke

o lord make me know my end

and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting i am!

behold, you have made my days a few hand breaths and my lifetime is as nothing before you. surely all mankind stands as a mere breath.

my paraphrase {don’t take yourself so seriously. our lives are short. no one is any better than anyone else}

and what wait i for? my hope is in YOU.

DELIVER ME.

(you would think God is alive and real or something. that he actually is talking to me.)

i believed that was him. settling the dispute in my heart.

and HE gave me assurance that its okay to share my story. i have nothing to prove. i just have what i know. just my experience. i have only to share my story.

and i encourage you to tell yours. maybe not on the internet but maybe!

maybe with just a few people. but share your story.

there is permission to grieve and feel the pain that you feel. in fact, if you don’t let yourself feel, and if you don’t pour your pain at the feet of the One who loves you more than anyone else, you won’t experience the healing you need.

at least thats my experience.

i found healing this week.

some miraculous things happened at work, making my job more manageable.

i distinctly remember feeling significant amounts of hope and faith rising up in me.

and i had rest.

those are some pretty marvelous breakthroughs for me right now.

and i won’t save the drama.

i’ll shout it.

because its good news.

wherever you are, whatever you are carrying, God will deliver you. he is HERE. he REIGNS. and he is bringing you GOOD NEWS.

and we are LOVED.

we still see and carry pain. we still see things that have yet to be fully restored. but we have the hope that one day every broken thing will be restored. i feel like God gives us reminders of that hope through the good things that we do see.  they serve as a shadow of things to come.

and so today my challenge is to look for God’s goodness in my life. in whatever form its in.

and if i look, i’ll see it.

 its in the sense of peace and rest that i’m beginning to feel again after a difficult season in my life

 its in my daughter who handed me these flowers while sitting on my new swing in the backyard.

its in the 100.00 trader joe’s gift card i found in my mail box.

its in the yellow knock out rose bushes that are in full bloom next to my porch.

its in the oversized puppy who is one mass ball of white cloud- gaily leaping around the backyard like a gazelle as i type.

its in daniel and stacey woodall who came to visit us and retiled our bathroom floor and built a door for our bedroom on their spring break

its in kyle and jessica blake who sent us off on a date to our favorite restaurant and coffee shop all expense paid

its in lindsey sturman who at every opportunity offers to watch emri so ben and i can go on a date.

its in the 300.00 we found taped to our front door from my parents and sisters when our car broke down.

its in my neighbor emily who left a blue, anthropologie egg crate on my front porch when our chickens started laying eggs just to say

“in celebration of eggs!” on one particularly difficult day.

its in my beautiful mother who watches my emri while i trail off to a job i don’t want to go too.

its in my husband and his thick manly beard who tells me over and over

“babe, you’re doing great”

and as i recount all of the little and big provisions over the last several months i’m crying again.

yep. i see glimpses of Jesus in those things. not just glimpses, but like serious blinding rays of God’s goodness.

they serve as stones…reminders that

HE IS HERE

HE REIGNS

HE IS BRINGING GOOD NEWS

***

good news

i’m still here…

so i’m a little depressed, who cares?

i hate my job at starbucks.

there i said it. and it feels good.

i don’t regret it.

i hate it.

it feels even better saying it a second time around. hmmm. i bet it would feel even better saying i hate it out loud. emri is sitting across from me writing out words in her journal, otherwise i would shout the h word out loud, grinning in neurotic bliss.

she is so my daughter. writing in her journal. 

(i should probably take a photo. hold on.)

in case you can’t make out the words

i have to continually stop typing so i can tell emri how to spell all of her requested words

words like

jane

computer

kitchen

baby

toilet

door

barbie

house

anyway. i’ve got to quit my job. i would like a few more hours at home with my emri. lately, she’s been pulling at my hand saying,

“momma, i want to spend time with you.”

break my freaking heart.

this morning she crawled into bed with us. okay, lets be real. at 12:30 am she came in bed with us. woke me up at 6:30 am, turned my face towards hers with those little hands, and pried my eyes open saying

“lets talk together and tell stories.”

the part that is painful, is that i feel spent all the time. that i have little to give to emri and my husband.

i was reading isaiah 52 this morning.

my heart was so broken before Jesus.

in such desperate need for a restored sense of hope, peace, and faith.

in such desperate need for rest and for a new job.

isaiah 52

awake, awake,

put on your strength, o zion; put on your beautiful garments, o jerusalem, the holy city.

shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated; oh jerusalem; loose the bonds from your neck, o captive daughter of zion.

my people shall know my name.  therefore in that day they shall know that it is i who speaks

here i am

how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings

good news

who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to zion,

your God reigns.

it was there that i moved to the floor and got on my knees. where tears were rolling off my cheeks onto the pages of my bible. where i just poured out to the Lord my dreams of having more children. for a meaningful vocation. for rest and time with my family. for discipleship. for healthy growing missional communities. for provision.

and i was reminded that i have an expectant hope.

that

my God is here

He reigns.

He is bringing good news.

 i’m not a lone. and the one who is with me has all authority. and He is bringing good news.

i kept asking myself while reading this

what would be good news?

and i had the answers immediately.

good news for my family would be

a restored sense of hope, faith, joy, and rest.

it would be

a new job

it would be

growing missional communities

it would be

authentic discipleship

it would be

adopting a child

good news would be finding out that i’m having another baby.

and as i wrote all these down in my journal, i knew instantly that good news was coming. that i truly have an expectant hope.

i continued reading in isaiah 52 and seeing a picture of the fruition of good news.

the voice of your watchman, they lift up their voice;

together they sing for joy;

for eye to eye they see

the return of the Lord to zion

break forth together into singing

you waste places of jerusalem,

for the Lord has comforted his people;

he has redeemed jersusalem

the lord has bared his holy arm

before the eyes of all the nations,

and all the ends of the earth shall see the salvation of our God.

for the Lord comforts zion

he comforts all her waste places

and makes her wilderness like eden,

her desert like the garden of the LORD

joy and gladness will be found in her

thanksgiving and the voice of song.

maybe some of those things haven’t happened yet. but i know three things.

He is here, 

He reigns,

and He’s bringing good news

***

easter and latte land

happy easter.

i think i’m averaging two posts a month.

in a season where we are in transition and just trying to hold our heads above the water, i’ll take it

easter morning ben, emri, decker, and i went on a run. a 3 mile run. its nothing really. nervous giggle. (don’t be fooled i’m so proud of myself i can’t even stand it)

we ended up at latte land. high on endorphins and praising ourselves for being so healthy and active.

we brought with us the jesus story book bible. you know, the one that makes me cry when i read it to emri? every freaking time?

we got to latte land and read the easter story to her.

 between slurping down her milk and blueberry muffin, i’m not sure if she even heard.

we kept telling her, “he’s risen!”

she kept rolling her eyes and saying,

“i know. you keep telling me that.”

maybe one day it will sink in.

you know, who jesus is. and what it really means that Jesus conquered death. what it means that he is making everything new.

easter morning, she would have none of it.

this morning however, she asked me to tell her stories of Jesus. i’ll take what i can get . but back to easter,

after trying to get emri interested in Jesus,

 we went home and got eastered up.

here is my emri.

i’m sorry, emri, when did you turn 16?

then headed over to be with family and friends for the afternoon.

bless our hearts for trying so hard to get a picture of all our children together

wait, don’t forget sweet baby hank in the carrier!

and then came the easter baskets. emri successfully found hers.

so proud.

 em also found a lady bug which is totally worth mentioning and posting.

of course, emri wasn’ the only one who had fun yesterday

and here we are, the myers….and ben’s beard.

happy easter

***

absolute surrender

i’m not sure if i’ll end up posting this. i just know that God has given me the green light to write. and so i must.

this season that i am currently in. the season where ben and i come to terms with the reality that we are not having more children, at least, not for now. and do not have the financial stability to adopt.

the season where i am forced to get a second job getting paid very close to minimum wage.

the season where i have to leave emri and all of her fleeting littleness for a total of 30 hours a week.

and come home to a sassy 4 year old who seems to forget  sometimes that she needs to obey me and reminds me that sometimes she likes it when i leave her.

this season is just very tender, tiring, and painful for me.

there could be way worse things. i know. but there is something about these things that are woven into the very fabric of my identity.

and the peeling away of them, cuts close to the most sacred places of my heart.

and i find myself wanting to retreat all the time.

this week was ben’s spring break. not so much mine, i still had to work…but, we did put many of our responsibilities on hold this week and have spent almost every day just with our family.

we went to a bed and breakfast. we took a day trip to a winery. we have gone for runs every day in this beautiful weather. crazy beautiful weather. we have visited new restaurants. we have slept in. we have drank new varieties of wine. and a gazillion cups of coffee.

it has been restful, truly.

but i still feel discomfort.

i haven’t retreated very much with God. and i felt the twinge of discomfort from it.

waking up 3 extra days at 3:45 am has sort of sabotaged my early morning moments with God. the moments my soul needs.

when i came home from my long 8 hour shift saturday, i coaxed emri to take a nap with me. when i woke up i felt Jesus calling me.

i told ben i just needed an hour. i grabbed my bible, paper, and pen and went out to the sun porch.

deep breath.

God, are you still with me? its hard to hear you.

i write march 17th in my journal and close my eyes.

God why do i feel so uncomfortable?

there was just silence. the sound of a lawn mower. and breeze coming through the screened in porch.

and i felt like i heard something in my heart.

i’m not your refuge.

uh, yeah you are. i’m freaking here. look at all i’ve done for you. for real.

and then i remembered how grabby i’ve been. and how many things i turn to first to soothe me before coming to Jesus.

like buying stuff. like eating good food. and working on my house. and doing crafts. and planning family activities.

and i’ve known God way too long to understand that these things are not bad. they are good. and wonderful. and given to us by Jesus. but there is something that happens to me personally, when i use them to comfort me while i postpone coming to Jesus.

and thats when they became idols. that’s when i feel my soul start to deteriorate a little.

i know reading this, some people might think i’m a spiritual nut case. whatever.

but let me tell you, the moment i identified this. my soul started to feel alive again. i felt the Spirit comfort me, in a way that nothing. nothing else. ever could.

and i sat there in that moment. and sort of had this repentant moment with God. no condemnation. just sweetness.

and i opened my journal and i started writing the words that started coming to my mind.

and the words were

surrender

complete surrender.

i wasn’t sure why i was writing them. they just came to my mind.

and then i started thinking about them.

what would it look like for me to surrender?

would i practice coming to Jesus first?

would i stop spending money on my credit card? money that i dont’ have?

would that look like me resisting the temptation to drink yet another, iced caramel macchiato at work?

would that mean me recognizing that my house doesn’t have too look like a picture off pinterest?

would that look like a bit of freedom for me?

i think it would. the word surrender feels like freedom to me.

so i’m meditating and praying over these things. and i remember that i have been reading through romans. and the next chapter i’m to read is chapter 12.

i open up my bible.

and here is the first verse.

i appeal to you, by the mercies of God,

that you present your life as a living sacrifice. holy, acceptable to God.

which is your spiritual act of worship to Him.

do not be conformed to the world.

but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. so that you may discern what the will of God is for you life.

God’s will, that is good, beautiful, and perfect.

okay here come the tears. so surrender it is.

and i remember why i love outside so much. the trees, the flowers, the grass, even the birds. they are all surrendered. i think that is truly why nature is so appealing. it is all subjected to the reason why it was created. and its peaceful.

i want to be surrendered.

i’m thankful at the moment that Jesus lets me feel uncomfortable. if i never felt uncomfortable i would never move toward him.

i’m thankful he speaks to my heart.

i read the verse over again. i write it out in my journal.

i’m reminded in those verses that if i don’t renew my mind, i’ll be conformed to the broken world around me.

i must guard the sacred places i find with Jesus.

i need them, they feed my soul.

they remind me that Jesus is alive. and that there are underlining, transformative themes that are taking place in my life. that there is a story that Jesus is writing in my life and places in my heart that He is healing. i’m reminded that i might miss them if i don’t make room for Him. and i see all my coping mechanisms for what they are. idols.  and all the energy i expend in all of them in my attempt to create some form of relief for myself. and then i see Jesus. i feel my body relax. and then i start to desire Him more.

and i remember a book ben has called “absolute surrender”, by andrew murray.

i go inside and ask ben where his book is.

he smiles. (this book is his favorite) he picks it off the shelf instantly and says he was thinking about reading it again today, but that he would so graciously let me instead.

he told me the book would kick my ass.

i nodded. yep. i know.

i grabbed the book and found my place again outside in the screened in porch. i finished reading romans 12.

and it was pretty amazing. so here marks another thing God is teaching me.

and i know that surrender isn’t a one time thing. its a journey. a road. not a one time decision. but a daily one. maybe a minute, by minute one.

but its a journey i want to be on. i’ll let you know how it goes.

***

small things

every time i get off work, i look for a special treat to bring home for emri.

at work today i was delighted to find miniature plastic cups and matching straws.

you have no idea how much i love bity things.

emri and i both share the affinity.

miniature strawberry creme frappuccino

just her size.

and let me also take a second to mark down a funny conversation ben and i had with emri last night on the way home from dinner.

i actually wrote it down so i wouldn’t forget a word.

“mom, next time it snows and then when all the snow melts, we really need to go to target and get some soy milk.”

i remember thinking, what? soy milk?

“em, do you mean egg nog?”

“yeah, actually…i mean egg nog. cause its so good. it makes my eyes wanna cross because its so good. its so good it makes me crazy.”

so funny. em, i freaking love you.

***

no bolting

wow. what a whirlwind i am in.

 i have to jot down my favorite quote from emri yesterday before i forget.

” mom. you can’t look at me. i’m very beautiful. you have to turn around. or your eyes will burn.”

oh dear. what? emri, you are ridiculous.

i’m sitting here friday morning. decker at my feet. emri, practicing writing her numbers on construction paper beside me. (initiated entirely by herself). i’ve been taking the last hour to read my bible, write down a few thoughts, and pray my heart out. with only a few distractions: decker barking at the seven rats in the corner of the room (caged…caged rats.)and emri needing supplies for her crafts every 15 minutes. i’m about to take emri on a visit to  st. michaels. (the school that is stealing my four year old daughter next fall). who says kids need to go to preschool? who says they need to go to school at all?  shouldn’t they just stay with us forever?

nope. a resounding nope. i know, i know. i wouldn’t really want that. but lately, i have felt a little grabby. a little clingy to my wild haired four-year-old who is so creative, charming, animated, and insanely sassy sometimes.

we’ve  started teaching her what it means to obey quickly and completely. emphasis on quickly, emphasis on completely.

because after we tell her to do something she sweetly responds,

“yes, momma”

and then proceeds to dance around the room for the next several minutes.

hmmmm.

i learn so much about my personal relationship with the Lord through emri.

but let me catch you up with my life, i’ve started working at starbucks. tuesdays, thursdays, and saturday mornings. at 5:00 am.

yep you heard me.

which means i have to wake up at freaking 3:45 am.

when i found out that i was going to have to find a second job. i grieved. i mean cried. hard. our lives are already so filled with so many things. finding a second part time job was not anywhere on my list of things i wanted to do.

what i want to do…

stay at home

have more kids.

unfortunately, i can’t have either right now.

my life feels extremely busy right now. and i’m tired a lot.

and i’m training at starbucks.

and it sucks to train.

i feel dumb.

i just feel totally dumb and in the way.

no pity party here. its just true.

its just part of the process.

and i always thought if i went back to work, i would go back to school first. and get my masters in counseling, and do something “professional”.

but that is not whats happening in my life right now.

not to sound like super spiritual higher than other people kind of people, because we really don’t feel that way at all…

but ben and i pray a lot. we really pray around the decisions in our lives and we really look to Jesus for answers.

and we do not always trust our impulses. we seek a lot of counsel. and we move forward on big decisions based on those things.

we feel like God is teaching us something so valuable right now.

and it takes everything inside me not to bolt.

its as if God is just peeling back all the layers of what i find my identity in.

my ability or inability to have kids,

being able to stay at home with em,

my career, or lack thereof,

what i am capable of producing

 all of the things i find my identity in, and its as if God is peeling back the layers. telling me who i am, a part from all of those things.

and it burns. i feel it. its painful.

but its good. its really good. and i can say that because i have tasted God in my life. and i’ve seen the things he’s done in my life. and i know. i KNOW this is Him. he’s doing something.

and i believe he is abundant with me.

i say with tears in my eyes,

like david said in psalms,

“oh taste, and see that the LORD is good.“

and the more i listen to his voice. and allow myself to push the breaks on all my quick decisions and my quick fixes, i can hear and experience the things that he is doing in my life.

i’m tempted to want to find my identity in

the money my family is making

my career

my ability to have kids

my time with emri

what my home looks like

what i look like

some of these are wonderful things to have. there is nothing inherently wrong with any of them. but what seems even greater, is finding out who i am a part from all that. i feel like that is the good stuff. thats freedom and real identity. we kind of believe that if we want to make an impact in the world, we have to know who we are first.

you see, more than anything, ben and i want to know Jesus and make him known. not just know God, but like hear him, see him, interact with him. enjoy him. that kind of know God. and we want to see other people know God. we see how he has restored our lives. we want to see him restore the lives of those around us.

that has been our dream forever.

and maybe God, in his creative, redeeming, faithful way, has marked our pain and has woven his redemptive answers to our prayers through this difficult season.

and we know we need to stay here at least for now.

for now. i don’t bolt. i just stay.

and as i wrap up this post, i see that my daughter has put decker to bed on the floor and i can’t resist taking a picture.

hilarious.

***

rats

my crazy husband just came home.

with seven, SEVEN rats that will be staying here over spring break.

are you kidding me?

take a few minutes, reflect, and be thankful that you are not married to a biology teacher.

***

waitress intrusion

so just minutes ago, i’m having a private moment in the bathroom.

when all of the sudden, the door swings open and i see a little girl with her clipboard and pen standing behind a small table.

“what can i do for you kerri myers?”

she proceeds without breaking character,

“we have squash, kiwi, crumlins, and whiskey….

which would you like, kerri?”

this is what i saw.

***